Unicorns and Shit Shows

I was chatting with some moms the other day – we were discussing kid schedules, life, and whatnot. They mentioned that they know a gal that is plumb-full of energy...work, raising great kids, kick-ass workouts, being nice to her spouse, and all that. I was in awe. On a good day, I can maybe…maybe take care of two of those things with maximum effort. When it comes to the whole gamut, I’m hitting about 60% effort. Then it dawned on me…this mystical creature must be part unicorn! Seriously though, we’re all trucking along just trying to make life work efficiently and we should just embrace our reality. But really…I’m hoping I run into a mystical creature sometime - maybe some of that magical dust will sprinkle itself on me.

Speaking of unicorns, the Pickle woke up Saturday morning with a skeeter bite on her forehead. Within hours, it was a swollen knot. I told her she looked like a unicorn…she didn’t even notice. Within 24 hours, the swelling moved to her nose and eyes. I was pretty sure we’d have to start explaining ourselves if the swelling continued. The upside was that her Mowgli hairdo was so out of control that you couldn’t actually see her black eyes. She’s at that age where a hair-combing elicits fake squawking and immediate messing of the hair. Reminds me of her Uncle Bryce…back when Mom would try to cut his fingernails, which were always filthy. He would act like she was punishing him…she was like, “dude, no one wants to hear a teenager screaming.” Sorry, Bry. I'll bet our Mom felt like our 'traveling zoo' was more like a constant shit-show. Like the one time...we'll save some of those for another blog post.

Speaking of shit shows, we traveled home to WA a few weekends ago for a wedding. It was a fantastic weekend and Pickle loved spending time with her cousins. Growing up, I took it for granted that I have dozens of awesome cousins that I got to spend time with. We’re really doing her a disservice by living so far away from her cousins. However, the weekend of “three under three” elicited some amazing antics. It should’ve dawned on us when the “hour” drive to Centralia turned into two+ hours. An hour in, I needed a potty break. We pulled into Safeway in Lacey…this is where the real shit show started. While I ran into potty, apparently Uncle Yake ran in to the store too…unknowingly we both stocked up on cocktails for the evening - why wouldn't we need two magnums of bubbly, two bottles of rum, and two bottles of vodker...for four adults? We laughed and opened the car doors. My sister had a boob out, feeding the three month old. The almost two year old and three year old were squawking in the third row…and el husbando was gagging in the front seat. I asked him if he was pretending he’d never seen a boob…but apparently he smelled it first. Yep…the littlest one had a blowout…the orange shit-up the back-kind of blowout. We’re all gagging in the rig, as the diaper gets changed and my BIL stuck his hand in it. More gagging. Rad. The toddlers are yelling “POOOOOP” in the backseat. At one point, I look over and everyone but me is mixing a roadie. Bastards. 

Finally, we’re all buckled in and Pickle yells “POOOOP, I have to POOP!”. I look at el husbando and task him with the potty break. Did I mention that we had to get everyone, including the infant car seat, out of the second row…just to reach the third row. Our five minute potty and refill trip was going on twenty-two minutes. We finally get all saddled up, pull out of Safeway, and realize there’s smoke coming from the car in front of us. No shit, three dudes in their rig passing a bong around…not even hiding it. Welcome back to WA, my friends.

Naturally, our shit show has landed us in Centralia with very little time to prep for the wedding…more boob feedings, toddler squawking, toddler licking of doritos and putting back in the bag, and the sad realization that the Motel 6 lacked some creature comforts. Like shampoo…have you ever washed your hair with a Motel 6 bar of soap? Yeah, not pretty. Even more disturbing…we’re pretty sure there were fleas in our beds. The plus side to all of this was getting to see our childhood friend get hitched, time with grandparents, delicious baby snuggles, and chasing toddlers/dancing like maniacs. So, while Pickle may be missing out on regular visits with her cousins…she’ll more than likely have these amazingly-awesome-shit-show visits to remember. 

The take-away today? I'm not really sure, but I figure you can either be a magical unicorn or a shit-show...either way it's your show - go forth and conquer!